I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
