You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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