Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
