Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
