my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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