Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
