I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
