She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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