Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
