so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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