your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
