i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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