I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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