her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
