On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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