Don't you send me to vm
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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