Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
