Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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