Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
