I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
