he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
it hurts more in the daytime
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
