let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
