Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
