Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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