note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
