I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
