I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
