I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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