doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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