Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
