she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
