you're like a bully in the Christmas story
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
