I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
