I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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