Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
worst night to have a conscience
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
