my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
