So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
