he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
