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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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