I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
