i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
