I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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