Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
