and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
