my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
