I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
