so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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