roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
