Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
