you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
