Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
